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Mon, 07 Sep 2009 04:41:19 GMT

So I received an e-mail from my mother earlier tonight, the gist of which was the following:

any interest in going to Denmark?

What the hell is up with my life?!? And if I can't switch exam days so I can do this, I will be very sad.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 22:11:58 GMT

not dead. May I just say how much I love having warm weather in the summer, and people with whom to play frisbee and field crumpets, and a great area for biking, and... yay. One of the goals for this summer is to get myself into the best shape I've been in since cross country. So far, I've been pleased with the progress :D

"Meltdown on Mulberry Street"

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:18:21 GMT

Game 5 OT aside, I was to busy to watch Devils playoffs this semester. And now it's too late. I asked my friend since when did my team's defense suck, and he immediately (correctly responded), when did Scott Stevens retire.

::sigh:: It's been a bad year so far for my sports teams.

Go Boston and Canucks I guess.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 05:00:31 GMT

apparently sometimes subtlety is just unintentional messages sent while tripping balls

Loneliness is a funny thing

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 00:45:32 GMT

I used to not be bothered living in a house alone. It would happen all the time at home, I'd either be home alone for an extended period of time, or hide off somewhere and have minimal contact with the rest of the world. It was acceptable, to me. Maybe because I expected it at the time. It was comforting, somehow, to be the only person I had contact with.

Now, I've been in my house, here, alone, for a week and I'm going stir crazy. Maybe it's just the expectation of human contact. College makes me expect to run into people I like on a daily basis, whereas high school was always holding out for those rare occasions I might get lucky enough to. It wasn't that bad while band people were still here, while I could still expect some sort of social contact on a nightly basis. But since they left on Tuesday, I've basically been sitting at home wasting my time. And for some reason, it's driving me nuts.

I feel like it's part of the way I'm connecting socially now. Maybe. Kindof. It could just be forced contact with people for extended periods of time. In a fraternity house, you're guaranteed to run into at least 15 people you know on a daily basis just walking around the house, more if guests are over. In the dorms, it was 90 people at any point in time, and this wasn't a bad thing, at least I didn't consider it to be. But it's weird to have that sort of connection with people, that when they're missing something doesn't feel right. I don't know. Maybe this was what I was missing in the summer, not contact with Ithaca, pretty though it may be, but the people here, my friends. I honestly don't know if I'd been able to say that for a while. To be honest, I'd given up on older friends after sophmore year, trying to prepare myself to be a senior, isolated, cut off from my graduated friends, left behind. I did myself a disservice doing that, missed out on those younger than me that would have been worth the time. But, so it goes.

I don't know. I've officially entered a funk. Once again, it's because of a girl. Not sure if I mentioned Jean on this blog, but she suddenly decided she'd rather date a senior at IC, and the first mention I got of this was a goddamn facebook feed. Haven't heard from her since. This seems to be a pattern with my exes. And it's not just the way it ends, it's the progression of it, the drifting apart. And it was harder this time, because I'd seen the signs before, and I kept hoping and praying I was making things up, but somewhere inside me I knew what was coming. It... it kills my faith in people. I'm becoming more and more afraid of getting hurt in these things, but I can't see myself being any other way. I've tried the hookup thing. No, wait, let me rephrase that. When I'm not involved with one person on a deeper level than a one night stand, things don't feel right to me. When I am, it doesn't matter, but I feel like that rock is something I need. And every time it breaks down like this, it hurts that much more.

briefly

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:58:34 GMT

So I got a message back from my abroad program. They said they didn't want me. Luckily, my advisor was involved in the decision and knows the reason: there's a minimum 3.0 in-language requirement. I've got a 2.9. Fucking fuck fuck. He's double-checking to see if I could do something such as take a summer course to make up for it. So maybe it's a good thing I didn't have summer plans lined up yet?

Balls.

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 07:51:48 GMT

totally sober right now...

SO FINALLY

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:14:25 GMT

Application to go to Kyoto is officially DONE! As in the big checkmark on the CUAbroad website has been checked. Which means that I actually will get a decision on this, and may or may not ACTUALLY go to Japan next fall. We shall see about these things.

I do have more news, livejournal, but I don't really feel like writing it for now. I will say that I'm sort of surprised which classes I'm enjoying this year. And I am still enjoying Japanese, I've found, even if I'm still not very good at it. Maybe that will change, maybe not. ::le shrug::

An ancient lj meme

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 08:25:45 GMT

I don't remember the full text of the meme, but the gist is you go through your LJ for the year and post the first line of the first entry of each month. Here we go!

Jan- so besides my life somewhat resembling something out of bad fiction/webcomics for about five minutes at the start of the year, the reunion went well.
Feb- Pledging started as a frustration, and has slowly been getting better as time goes on.
Mar- Elizabeth and I broke up.
Apr- So it's not 10:24. (supposed to be "now")
May- fuck fuck fuck two tests in 24 fucking hours fuck fuck going crazy can't focus fuck!
Jun- If you haven't read Snow Crash yet, go and do that now.
July- I'm having trouble locating my phone.
August- So, last night I went into the city with Kobi and his sister Beth, and met up with Kobi's firend Aliza and her boyfriend/fiance(?) and saw Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls performing in the Spiegeltent, which is this really nice old tent preserved from the days of actual travelling circii, which now tours cities by staying in one place for a summer and having people come perform under it. (best run-on sentence ever)
Sep- So Lisa will probably be the only person that understands what I'm talking about here, but since it's become a fairly large part of my life lately, I'm going to talk about the Big Red Marching Band.
Oct- If you live in the Boston area, I'll be there friday evening and night, and Saturday, with the Cornell band.
Nov- For context, Bill Compton is a vampire, and this takes place in the deep south.
Dec- I got to call the police yesterday.

Funny thing is, I really feel like this caps up my life this year. It's been a year of change, one of ups and downs, but sitting here in Metuchen right now, I like where I am. I won't say I have my regrets, but only recognizing that some things are beyond my control. I've found great friends, some of them from home whom I'm learning to appreciate more and more, many more at school.

I'll say this as a hope, in my last days as a teenager: hopefully I've learned something from all this. Hopefully I can become the mature, caring person I'm supposed to be, now that the whole "awkward teen" phase is being dragged kicking and screaming into the past. To anyone who reads this, thanks for listening, for being my friend, and I wish you the best in the new year. Oh, and happy winter. If Ithaca's snow pattern so far is any indication, it's going to be a good one.

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 22:08:15 GMT

Hey Internets!

anybody know a good way to sell back books your school store won't take? Like an internet wholesaler or something?

Life Accomplishments

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 04:46:49 GMT

1) Got a 60 on a final exam! WOOOOOOO!

Seriously. Don't know what to do about this. It was in Japanese. There is no chance of a curve. It was the worst grade in the class. What the fuck do I do?

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:03:07 GMT

I got to call the police yesterday. Our television at my house was stolen, and I was the first to notice it, so I got to call, and then have a nice friendly conversation with a few officers about how there's basically a snowball's chance in hell at getting it back. You know, as much as police are helpful, and often very friendly in their line of work, I hate having these conversations. This is the second time I've had to talk to police this year, and while this one was a lot easier and under better circumstances than the last, it still sucked pretty hard. I hope that, if any of you have to have these sort of conversations, they are few and far between.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 07:38:16 GMT

who stopped two lanes of 5th avenue midtown traffic, and then shut down 40-something street for a while? This guy!

Sy Katz is the coolest person ever.

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 09:04:00 GMT

I think rocky horror may be the worst thing academically, but the best thing socially, that has ever happened to me. That is all.

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 22:37:59 GMT

Some other things besides prop. 8 to be concerned about:

Arizona and Florida both voted to ban gay marriage. Arkansas voted overwhelmingly that gay couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt (seriously, WTF).

Good news: California and South Dakota voted down abortion limits, and Colorado voted no on defining human life as the moment of conception (you can put that up to a vote?)

Washington, with 56% of precincts reporting, approves overwhelmingly of doctor-assisted suicide. Dr. Kavorchian must be so proud.

Michigan has now also approved of medical marijuana. Nebraska voted to end affirmative action. Colorado is in almost a dead heat on the issue.

So, stranger things than Prop. 8 and electing a black president happened last night.

reasons I love "True Blood", #1

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 20:48:34 GMT

For context, Bill Compton is a vampire, and this takes place in the deep south.

Little kid: Bill, why can't you eat ice cream?
Bill: Well, you might say that I'm "lactoste intolerant."
Little kid: Just like my Aunt Verne. 'Cept she can't tolerate mexicans.

Vampires in the deep south. Awesome.

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 05:22:07 GMT

Wish I had time to talk right now, but I have to catch up on work (what's new?). I'm back from Canada, I marched at a CFL game in front of 20k people, and that is really friggin cool. Let me just say, Quebec is a really weird place, and canadian football is equally weird. Seriously, stick to hockey guys. You did well creating that sport, at least.

I'm really glad I went away though. I was starting to feel depressed, and now I feel less so. There can be a lot of love around here if you open your eyes and know where to look. I just have to learn to be comfortable with what I have, and stop getting so concerned about what's ahead. For now, that should be enough.

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 07:39:15 GMT

new entry in the "WTFscapade parade"

A life update, in brief, for the next week or so

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 03:43:42 GMT

AAAAAAHHHHGRARBARALBLALELAERFLALBASLFAELK2L3K4QWDLSADALKEK#q@LADSF

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 14:21:19 GMT

So, today is Yom Kippur. Most of you know what that means. Those of you who don't, the day is about attempting to repent for past sin throughout the year, and attempting to ask forgiveness, both of heaven and of each other. It also means fasting for a day, which is a great reason to not do work and to instead focus on the past.

The year has... well, it's certainly been interesting. A lot has happened, a lot has changed. It's hard for most of it to pick out certain situations and say, "this I did right, this I did long." The entirety of it has been a learning experience, and for that I am grateful. But, going through this holiday year after year, I find that it's much easier to ask forgiveness for actions. It's much more difficult to think about what you've thought, those private sins you've committed, intentionall or unintentionally, in the way you think about the world. It is difficult, approaching impossible, to treat everyone fairly in your mind, even if you somehow manage to do right by them in the world. It's harder to admit to yourself that you screwed up when you know for a fact you're the only one who knows so (besides god, of course...)

My mom just got out of surgery a few days ago. It's been in the works for almost a year, it had to be done, and we've all known it would be coming. Thankfully, she's fine, home, and doing well. I realize, though, that while I've been outwardly supportive, I haven't given this event the credence it deserves. My mother was very scared to do this, and rightfully so, I realize; it's terrifyingly dangerous to go into surgery, no matter what it is. I was there when she called, I was supportive when I realized, but it wasn't until I talked to her the night before that it really hit me. Before that, it just felt like lip service. A sin we probably all commit to often: failing to tell our loved ones how much we care about them. I love my mother, my father, both of my sisters, my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, an amazing amount, but I almost never say so. I feel so blessed and lucky that all four of my grandparents are alive, yet I haven't seen my grandmother on mom's side in almost a year. Time flies by so quickly that you miss out on these things. I pray that, this year, I'll have enough thought and foresight to realize what i'm missing, and speak and act to what I'm feeling.

I hereby forgive all who have hurt me, all who have done me wrong, whether deliberately or by accident, whether by word or deed, May no one be punished on my account. As I forgive and pardon fully those who have done me wrong, may those whom I have harmed forgive and pardon me, whether I acted deliberately or by accident, whether by word or deed.

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 05:19:56 GMT

also, one of my new favorite quotes

A letter from a father to his son on his son's appointment as a judge in Hungary in the early 20th century. From the film Sonnenschein (Sunshine)

My dear son Ignatz,

You have left the safety of the house in which you were born in order to achieve you life's goal: to become a judge. To create laws, as Moses did. To render justice, like King David. To exercise power from which the Almighty has barred us... or, perhaps, protected us for thousands and thousands of years. You are entering a new world where you will certainly be successful because you have knowledge. Study has always been our religious duty as Jews. Our exclusion from society has given us an ability to adapt to others and sense the connections between things which seem diverse, but if you feel you have power, you are mistaken. If you feel you have the right to put yourself ahead of others because you think you know more than they do, you are wrong. Never allow yourself to be driven into the sin of conceit. Conceit is the greatest of sins - the source of all other sins... Never give up your religion, not for God. God is present in all religions, but if your life becomes a struggle for acceptance, you'll always be unhappy. Religion may not be perfect, but it is a well built boat that can stay balanced and carry you to the other shore. Our life is nothing but a boat adrift on water, balanced by permanent uncertainty. About the people whom you will judge, know this: All they do is struggle to find a kind of security. They're just people, like us. Therefore, you mustn't judge them on the basis of appearance or hearsay. Trust no one. Examine all things yourself. Do not join with power. Despise all rank. Do not be ostentatious with what is yours. Owning possessions and property ultimately comes to nothing. Possesions and property can be consumed by fire, swept away by flood, taken away by politics. Do not undertake what you do not know. This causes anxiety which makes you ill. Exercise discipline. I think of you with all my love.

Your father,
Emmanuel Sonnenschein

HEY BOSTON!

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 05:02:43 GMT

If you live in the Boston area, I'll be there friday evening and night, and Saturday, with the Cornell band. We'll be playing at Harvard football, and doing a concert somewhere in downtown Boston. I should have most of the evening free-ish, and if you'd like to see me, let me know.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 06:44:36 GMT

It feels very strange to me, but I can't stand to look at that CTY wiki. More a reflection on how I've changed than how CTY has. It makes me realize, after four or five years, maybe the person I was there isn't me anymore. It got me through high school, sure, but now that I'm out and in a more supportive environment, I feel like I've kindof outgrown it.

And in a way, that's terrifying.

Returning to my roots...

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 04:35:25 GMT

So on a whim, I tried out for Risley's Rocky Horror last thursday. I auditioned for Crim and Riff, neither of which went astoundingly well, as well as a Transylvanian (trannie). Well, I got cast for the latter. They're having a viewing party on Friday night to kick off the performance, which sucks because I have to be managing risk at our own party that night (WHY must everything cool always happen when I've got other commitments?!?).

We'll see where this goes. The performances are Nov. 7th and 8th if people are interested. And Lisa, the director (direct-whore) is Ethan Samuels. Name ring any bells? He looked kindof familiar, but I couldn't tell...

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 05:11:49 GMT

I usually make some sort of post about the events of seven years ago. Maybe I still will later. But right now, looking back, the one thought that strikes me is this: has Al Quaeda won? What did they seek by blowing up the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and trying to blow up the white house? Recognition of their own power, and a twofold message to the world. One, that they exist and that they are major movers in today's society, and two, that America isn't the almighty power on the hill that it claims to be; it is far from invulnerable.

On the first point, it's debatable with Al Quaeda whether or not they're still major movers. True, they're regaining their strength in Afghanistan, but there was a pretty serious backlash against them, however brief it may have been. But what about terrorist groups as a whole? Haven't they gained international attention as viable threats to peace, instead of just a thorn in the side of the civilized world? Hezbollah, Al Quaeda, insurgent groups in Iraq, rebel groups in Sri Lanka and other Asian countries, you can name examples all over the world, and all of them are now on the tip of every American's tongue, if not by name at least by a general identifier, "the terrorists." So, a questionable victory on that point.

On the second, look at the direction America has gone in since then. Not that I'm claiming any direct causality between September 11th and the current financial crisis, although one could make an argument about the cost of the continuing war in the middle east and what have you. But it's still interesting and almost ironic to see the state America has entered. With the twin towers, those representatives of American financial strength abroad, brought to the ground, the dollar has fallen, the deficit has risen, and we continue to borrow from foreign powers. Not to be jingoistic, but China is acting as our lendor, and thus is gaining power over us. Meanwhile, our banking system is sinking just as fast as our housing system because of lack of government control and, well... I'm sure you can think of your own examples. While by no means was this a result of the attack itself, isn't it interesting that goal number two is for the moment accomplished?

I guess this is my rant for today. I just wonder if this is the way we want to honor those who died today, if this is the future we'll bestow upon ourselves. I seriously hope this is just me being paranoid, and a change in administration will turn the tide against a sinking America. Meanwhile, I think I'll commemorate by watching "Dr. Strangelove." All this paranoia's got me in a satiric mood.

Oh, and the LHC is killing us all in 40 days anyway